Jargon Judge Gifts

"'Spin the story!' 'Snow 'em!' 'Stonewall!' 'Cook the books!' C'mon, people! Can't you come up with some NEW ideas once in a while?"

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

'When we get there let me do the double talking.'

"The data looks good, sir, but the vibes are mucho heavioso."

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

Torturing the English Language

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

"The good news is that we do have a little wiggle room."

"...but the big question is, does the competition know that we don't know what we don't know?"

Surgeon finds a doohickey on the patient's thingamabob.

"We need a best practice swim lane to leverage our core competency, move the needle outside the box, and open the kimono while keeping our ducks in a row. Can anyone give me a sustainable solution to more vertical effectiveness without getting too granula

"My report to the board was perfect. They did not understand a word of it and now think I'm smarter than them."

"We have an acronym!"

"I'm not sure about this new trainee - he asked me when does he get to see the actual ropes."

"Better than a business model, I have a business scheme."

"I never accomplish the impossible, if I did it would become an expectation."

"It's time to retire the word 'profit'."

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

Ninedency: A budding tendency

A Bloody Butcher

"It's a new target to target a time to reduce targets so that we'll be less target driven!"

Even more of what people say (and what they really mean)

"Our detractors call it suburban sprawl, but I prefer thinking of our plan as 'sustainable over-development!'"

Stressed employee says to colleague: 'I think I'm on top of the situation and I hope I'm in the loop, but I can't seem to get ahead of the curve.'

'Excellent!...We've been looking to hire someone who can think outside the box.'

'Would everyone please phrase their questions in ones and zeros please.'

"Here comes a client I must speak to. Excuse me while I slip into some jargon."

'And from what we've been able to determine, this is the tweak that broke the paradigm's back.'

'A High-pain job? Yes, I believe we have that.'

"...our Annual Report has been criticised for lack of clarity - well done!"

"It probably got lost in the voice mail."

'Sorry to interrupt Dixon - but this is not what I meant when I said this company needed more blue-sky thinking!'

'It's easy, Greg. Just get in touch with your inner regional sales manager.'

"This is what we call a 'customer', or more accurately a 'potential profit centre.'"

"It's a swearbox."