Jargon Wizard Gifts

The use of jargon seemed to be getting worse.

"Honey, Clay Buchholz is about to cement a Cy Young!"

"My report to the board was perfect. They did not understand a word of it and now think I'm smarter than them."

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

'When we get there let me do the double talking.'

Solicitor speaks legal jargon and has a translator who tells client: 'You haven't a hope!'

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

"The good news is that we do have a little wiggle room."

"We need a best practice swim lane to leverage our core competency, move the needle outside the box, and open the kimono while keeping our ducks in a row. Can anyone give me a sustainable solution to more vertical effectiveness without getting too granula

Surgeon finds a doohickey on the patient's thingamabob.

"I'm not sure about this new trainee - he asked me when does he get to see the actual ropes."

"We have an acronym!"

"We don't call them 'horns' anymore. They're interactive audio crash deterrent stimulators."

"It's a new target to target a time to reduce targets so that we'll be less target driven!"

"I never accomplish the impossible, if I did it would become an expectation."

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

A Bloody Butcher

"It's time to retire the word 'profit'."

"Our detractors call it suburban sprawl, but I prefer thinking of our plan as 'sustainable over-development!'"

Stressed employee says to colleague: 'I think I'm on top of the situation and I hope I'm in the loop, but I can't seem to get ahead of the curve.'

'Excellent!...We've been looking to hire someone who can think outside the box.'

"Here comes a client I must speak to. Excuse me while I slip into some jargon."

I love it when you speak Wall Streetese. Say 'to the upside' for me.

'Would everyone please phrase their questions in ones and zeros please.'

'And from what we've been able to determine, this is the tweak that broke the paradigm's back.'

"Your vocabulary is enlarged."

'A High-pain job? Yes, I believe we have that.'

"...our Annual Report has been criticised for lack of clarity - well done!"

"It probably got lost in the voice mail."

"This is what we call a 'customer', or more accurately a 'potential profit centre.'"

"It's a swearbox."

'Sorry to interrupt Dixon - but this is not what I meant when I said this company needed more blue-sky thinking!'

"There's a conversation to be had around a piece of work I'd like us to do tonight."

'It's easy, Greg. Just get in touch with your inner regional sales manager.'