Jargon Jester Gifts

'I'd like to push the envelope, go the extra mile, and think outside the box to facilitate a win-win solution to the over-utilization of buzzwords.'

"Did you understand any of that?" "Only the blah! blah! bit."

'Take this mission statement back and rewrite it. More mumbo and less jumbo.'

'This mission-statement is complete gibberish, Hudson. Well done.'

"Head office says that transparency in communicating internally and with clients is of paramount importance..."

"Simple effective communications with users is essential, so we're going to practise drilling down to identify core interpersonal information transfer methodologies to accelerate meaningful dialogue protocols."

'You need a marketing strategy!'

"I had my people get in touch with your people, and you know what? We have the same people."

'Natalie, would you please bring me the buzzword du jour?'

Dept. for Obfuscation - Out for periodic diurnal replenishment of nutritive substances.

'We'll have the project ready by tomorrow. R&D is just working out the kinks.'

STRIP *Shelf Life * Language of brand name experts

'I'm fairly certain it's, what we call in the medical profession, a 'snake'.'

'We son't have any goal posts to move...I'm going to need your jackets...'

Demolition company notice - Please knock door in

'I didn't know 'Businessish Management' was something you could get a degree in.'

"That's the last time I'll co-operate with an efficiency expert."

"It probably got lost in the voice mail."

'His condition has stabilized.'

STRIP Hambone: Swearing = computer language

'You're stiff from too much grovelling and I'm afraid it doesn't count as an occupational disease.'

"That's just a fancy was of saying that you agree with everything the boss says."

'Oh yeah? Well, Murphy's law doesn't apply here.'

Psychobabble.

"The idea for the name came to me after listening to my clients on their cell phones. They all claim to be results driven."

'I'm the Company's Registered Acronym Promoter but I've yet to be given a job title.'

"'Page Not Found' always sounds a little 'careless'. Maybe we could replace it with 'Page Temporarily Engaged in Promoting Alternative Client Focused Services'."

'But doctor, the customer is always right.'

"In order to meet the targets as outlined in the minutes of the management blah! blah! co-ordinate future policy settings to maximise eempowermnt blah customer led services blah monitoring effectiveness." "Did he just say blah! blah?" "Twice!"

"I wouldn't describe today's market as a bear market or a bull market. It's more like a chicken market."

Boss, I've got a new idea. I think it'll quadruple our sales. Not again. I've come up with several action items that efficiently right-shore unique relationships and globally cloudify timely ideas. Speaking in business jargon doesn't disguise the fact that all your ideas are horrible. But this idea assertively exploits open-source leadership skills. You can assertively exploit that door over there.

'Honey, tell me honestly - Does this operating system make me look Big-Endian?'

'We've had to pool our resources.'

'Sir, he told you to level with him, not to level him.'

"When I retire, I promise we'll finally have the time to read all the terms and conditions."