Jargon Critic Gifts

The team had decided that strict sanctions should be imposed upon users of terms like 'target orientated'.

Head of meaningless platitudes

"I let 'Think Outside the Box' go, but I must draw the line at 'Thought Spill'."

'When we get there let me do the double talking.'

Solicitor speaks legal jargon and has a translator who tells client: 'You haven't a hope!'

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

"The good news is that we do have a little wiggle room."

"I'm not sure about this new trainee - he asked me when does he get to see the actual ropes."

"We don't call them 'horns' anymore. They're interactive audio crash deterrent stimulators."

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"Our detractors call it suburban sprawl, but I prefer thinking of our plan as 'sustainable over-development!'"

Stressed employee says to colleague: 'I think I'm on top of the situation and I hope I'm in the loop, but I can't seem to get ahead of the curve.'

I love it when you speak Wall Streetese. Say 'to the upside' for me.

"Here comes a client I must speak to. Excuse me while I slip into some jargon."

'And from what we've been able to determine, this is the tweak that broke the paradigm's back.'

"It probably got lost in the voice mail."

"This is what we call a 'customer', or more accurately a 'potential profit centre.'"

"My resume is concise, succinct and eloquently worded. I only hope they know what I'm talking about."

'Natalie, would you please bring me the buzzword du jour?'

Dept. for Obfuscation - Out for periodic diurnal replenishment of nutritive substances.

'Instead of cubicles, we call them interconnected productivity centres.'

'Miss Hartley, implement me a coffee and a cheese danish.'

"I propose the next person who says 'it is what it is,' we beat the living hell out of him."

Bee to bee: 'We used buzzwords before they were trendy.'

'Here's the good news. 'Happy camper' and 'are we having fun yet' have been added to the official list of banned cliches.'

What Business People often say (and what they really mean)

"We were unwinding, and Frances come unwound completely."

"I liked it better when you used gobbledygook."

"'Autonomy' is the new BUZZ word! We have to unleash our staff. Professionals like you need to be free to use your own judgement, manage your own workloads...use your initiative."

"I hear you've got quite a reputation with the girls around the office."

"Come to my office. I need to cascade with you offline."

Since I took over the department, I've turned it around 360 degrees.

"Our branding lacks that certain sense of timeless gravitas. Can we have it iconosized?"

"As your new CEO, I hereby change 'deadline' to 'soft squiggle.'"