Jargon Fan Gifts

"What about 'transformed'. . . we haven't used that yet!"

'When we get there let me do the double talking.'

"The data looks good, sir, but the vibes are mucho heavioso."

Solicitor speaks legal jargon and has a translator who tells client: 'You haven't a hope!'

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

"The good news is that we do have a little wiggle room."

"I'm not sure about this new trainee - he asked me when does he get to see the actual ropes."

"My report to the board was perfect. They did not understand a word of it and now think I'm smarter than them."

"We don't call them 'horns' anymore. They're interactive audio crash deterrent stimulators."

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"Our detractors call it suburban sprawl, but I prefer thinking of our plan as 'sustainable over-development!'"

Stressed employee says to colleague: 'I think I'm on top of the situation and I hope I'm in the loop, but I can't seem to get ahead of the curve.'

"Here comes a client I must speak to. Excuse me while I slip into some jargon."

I love it when you speak Wall Streetese. Say 'to the upside' for me.

'And from what we've been able to determine, this is the tweak that broke the paradigm's back.'

"It probably got lost in the voice mail."

"This is what we call a 'customer', or more accurately a 'potential profit centre.'"

"My resume is concise, succinct and eloquently worded. I only hope they know what I'm talking about."

"Your appendix is fine. It's your glossary I'm worried about."

'Natalie, would you please bring me the buzzword du jour?'

Dept. for Obfuscation - Out for periodic diurnal replenishment of nutritive substances.

'Instead of cubicles, we call them interconnected productivity centres.'

"We owe our success to teamwork. Without it we could never have grasped at so many straws."

"We were unwinding, and Frances come unwound completely."

Bee to bee: 'We used buzzwords before they were trendy.'

What Business People often say (and what they really mean)

"I propose the next person who says 'it is what it is,' we beat the living hell out of him."

'Here's the good news. 'Happy camper' and 'are we having fun yet' have been added to the official list of banned cliches.'

"I liked it better when you used gobbledygook."

"Come to my office. I need to cascade with you offline."

"I hear you've got quite a reputation with the girls around the office."

'I'm very worried that if we fail to introduce rigid protocols to maximise client gratification indices within acceptable costbenefit parameters to ensure enhanced margins...then we'll have missed the whole point of what Christmas is about!!!'

Since I took over the department, I've turned it around 360 degrees.

"So is that a slice of a hook? I never know which is which."