Jargon Fan Prints

"What about 'transformed'. . . we haven't used that yet!"

'When we get there let me do the double talking.'

Solicitor speaks legal jargon and has a translator who tells client: 'You haven't a hope!'

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

"The good news is that we do have a little wiggle room."

"I'm not sure about this new trainee - he asked me when does he get to see the actual ropes."

"My report to the board was perfect. They did not understand a word of it and now think I'm smarter than them."

"We don't call them 'horns' anymore. They're interactive audio crash deterrent stimulators."

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"Our detractors call it suburban sprawl, but I prefer thinking of our plan as 'sustainable over-development!'"

Stressed employee says to colleague: 'I think I'm on top of the situation and I hope I'm in the loop, but I can't seem to get ahead of the curve.'

I love it when you speak Wall Streetese. Say 'to the upside' for me.

"Here comes a client I must speak to. Excuse me while I slip into some jargon."

'And from what we've been able to determine, this is the tweak that broke the paradigm's back.'

"It probably got lost in the voice mail."

"My resume is concise, succinct and eloquently worded. I only hope they know what I'm talking about."

"This is what we call a 'customer', or more accurately a 'potential profit centre.'"

"Your appendix is fine. It's your glossary I'm worried about."

'Natalie, would you please bring me the buzzword du jour?'

Dept. for Obfuscation - Out for periodic diurnal replenishment of nutritive substances.

'Instead of cubicles, we call them interconnected productivity centres.'

"We owe our success to teamwork. Without it we could never have grasped at so many straws."

"I propose the next person who says 'it is what it is,' we beat the living hell out of him."

Bee to bee: 'We used buzzwords before they were trendy.'

'Here's the good news. 'Happy camper' and 'are we having fun yet' have been added to the official list of banned cliches.'

"We were unwinding, and Frances come unwound completely."

What Business People often say (and what they really mean)

"I liked it better when you used gobbledygook."

"I hear you've got quite a reputation with the girls around the office."

'I'm very worried that if we fail to introduce rigid protocols to maximise client gratification indices within acceptable costbenefit parameters to ensure enhanced margins...then we'll have missed the whole point of what Christmas is about!!!'

"Come to my office. I need to cascade with you offline."

Since I took over the department, I've turned it around 360 degrees.

'If we are to reorientate our forward facing rhetorical platform we must rephrase our message to cross fertilise the core message..holistically!'

"So is that a slice of a hook? I never know which is which."