Jargon Aficionado Gifts

'When we get there let me do the double talking.'

"This project is evolving well, going forward."

"Counsel will kindly refrain from testifiduction and hippothanatology – in lay terms, leading the witness and beating a dead horse."

"I'm expected to write a good review of this stuff... So here I go with some confusing art rhetoric."

'And this year we had an excess deficit gain...'

People, we need to push the envelope, and the paper, pens and all the other stationery.

"You'll still be there within the new organizational structure. You'll just be invisible to everybody."

"As your new CEO, I hereby change 'deadline' to 'soft squiggle.'"

"Bert, I'm confused. What happens after we circle the wagons, tighten our belts and walk a mile in our customer's shoes? Is that when the chickens come home to roost?"

Solicitor speaks legal jargon and has a translator who tells client: 'You haven't a hope!'

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

"Here, we do not procrastinate, we 'table' things."

"We don't call them 'horns' anymore. They're interactive audio crash deterrent stimulators."

"Our detractors call it suburban sprawl, but I prefer thinking of our plan as 'sustainable over-development!'"

Stressed employee says to colleague: 'I think I'm on top of the situation and I hope I'm in the loop, but I can't seem to get ahead of the curve.'

"Here comes a client I must speak to. Excuse me while I slip into some jargon."

I love it when you speak Wall Streetese. Say 'to the upside' for me.

'And from what we've been able to determine, this is the tweak that broke the paradigm's back.'

"My resume is concise, succinct and eloquently worded. I only hope they know what I'm talking about."

"This is what we call a 'customer', or more accurately a 'potential profit centre.'"

'Your proposal is written with clarity and conviction. Send it up to legal for obfuscation.'

"We owe our success to teamwork. Without it we could never have grasped at so many straws."

'Instead of cubicles, we call them interconnected productivity centres.'

What Business People often say (and what they really mean)

'Here's the good news. 'Happy camper' and 'are we having fun yet' have been added to the official list of banned cliches.'

"I propose the next person who says 'it is what it is,' we beat the living hell out of him."

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

"I liked it better when you used gobbledygook."

"Come to my office. I need to cascade with you offline."

"I hear you've got quite a reputation with the girls around the office."

'I'm very worried that if we fail to introduce rigid protocols to maximise client gratification indices within acceptable costbenefit parameters to ensure enhanced margins...then we'll have missed the whole point of what Christmas is about!!!'

Since I took over the department, I've turned it around 360 degrees.

'Do you know how much it cost me to LEARN all this psychobabble?'

"Our branding lacks that certain sense of timeless gravitas. Can we have it iconosized?"