Jargon Junkie Gifts

This may help you understand my presentation.

'Right we need an urgent response to our productivity problems...'

'A few years ago that wouldn't have even sounded like a sentence.'

Wall Street: Doing more with much more. Main Street: do more with less.

"We woke up this morning and suddenly engineering can't understand marketing, and management can barely understand themselves."

Since I took over the department, I've turned it around 360 degrees.

Solicitor speaks legal jargon and has a translator who tells client: 'You haven't a hope!'

'Aside from instant rebates, reward points, tax exemptions, 0% financing and no money down, what's my incentive?'

'And it comes with an accompanying dictionary.'

"And when you say fiscally constipated, I assume you mean cash flow problem?"

"We don't call them 'horns' anymore. They're interactive audio crash deterrent stimulators."

"What can you tell me about the low man on the totem pole?"

'I'll have you know that I'm 100% psychobabble-compliant!'

"Most people don't understand that without management consultants people wouldn't know how to instigate forward facing paradigm shifts in their client nourishment and policy integration strategies."

'Don't worry, Ma'am -- we'll do everything for him that psychobabble can do!'

"In this company we never call a co-worker lazy. so next time remember to use the politically correct term non-ambitious."

"Our branding lacks that certain sense of timeless gravitas. Can we have it iconosized?"

4 Easy Medical Excuses

"Yes, grandpa, I did say my friend was blowing up my phone. But that's just a figure of speech. So there's no reason to call the fire department."

'Here's the good news. 'Happy camper' and 'are we having fun yet' have been added to the official list of banned cliches.'

"For those of you who don't know Mr. Ingham—he's our institutional memory."

'I like you, Susan, you have an intuitive interface.'

'One man's abbreviations about targeting are another man's calling your mother a goat.'

'At that point, the disease went viral, as the kids like to say...'

What Business People often say (and what they really mean)

"In order to facilitate the maximisation of our human capital resources..."

Lying by any other name...

'Frankly, it's not the bada-bing that worries me - it's the bada-boom.'

"Wow! This car has a continental kit, train horn, smoothed-out firewall, polyurethane bushings and a 2400-CFM fan! I have a long way to go!"

"I want you out of town by EOD today!"

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

'When we get there let me do the double talking.'

"The data looks good, sir, but the vibes are mucho heavioso."

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"