Corporate Jargon Junkie Gifts

"Divorce me? That's quite a paradigm shift, Jenny - could prove to be a real game changer."

"Bert, I'm confused. What happens after we circle the wagons, tighten our belts and walk a mile in our customer's shoes? Is that when the chickens come home to roost?"

Solicitor speaks legal jargon and has a translator who tells client: 'You haven't a hope!'

"We need to reset our fiscal compass to the changing business horizon."

"We need a best practice swim lane to leverage our core competency, move the needle outside the box, and open the kimono while keeping our ducks in a row. Can anyone give me a sustainable solution to more vertical effectiveness without getting too granula

"Here, we do not procrastinate, we 'table' things."

"We don't call them 'horns' anymore. They're interactive audio crash deterrent stimulators."

He used to pass the buck, since being promoted to management he gets to call it delegating authority.

"This is what we call a 'customer', or more accurately a 'potential profit centre.'"

'Your proposal is written with clarity and conviction. Send it up to legal for obfuscation.'

We don't call these savage screaming fits. We call them confrontation verbal interfacing.

What Business People often say (and what they really mean)

'Here's the good news. 'Happy camper' and 'are we having fun yet' have been added to the official list of banned cliches.'

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

'Miss Hartley, implement me a coffee and a cheese danish.'

"'Autonomy' is the new BUZZ word! We have to unleash our staff. Professionals like you need to be free to use your own judgement, manage your own workloads...use your initiative."

Since I took over the department, I've turned it around 360 degrees.

"Our branding lacks that certain sense of timeless gravitas. Can we have it iconosized?"

"As your new CEO, I hereby change 'deadline' to 'soft squiggle.'"

"You can't quit my bridal fashion business. It says so in the prenup, I man the non-compete agreement!"

"I swear, Bob, if you say "I'll think about it and circle back to you" one more time...X"

'This is gobbledygook. I asked for mumbo-jumbo.'

"Mommy is having another baby. Let me assure you that any paradigm shift will be incremental, core values remain family-centric, and Mommy is committed to assimilation and building synergy."

"He has to put a fiver in every time he says 'fiscal imperative' or 'target orientated processes'"

"The best laid plans of mice and men... differ materially in their objectives."

"I kicked the idea of mowing the lawn into the long grass."

Terms and conditions on the mount

"For those of you who don't know Mr. Ingham—he's our institutional memory."

'Don't you all feel energised, full of enthusiasm for the future!'

"We’re leveraging knowledge of niche opportunities to maximize strategic advantages."

"You're all redundant."

"Can you smell that, Jacobs? That’s the smell of me about to offer you a retirement package."

"Miss Davis, bring me everything we've got on turning a two-bit hole-in-the-wall operation into a multinational juggernaut."

"Enhanced branding metrics drive robust solutions for scalable monetization of jargon."

"Al could you unpack these mining issues for us whilst Joel drills down to get some detail on the parcel problem."