Corporate Jargon Aficionado Gifts

'This is gobbledygook. I asked for mumbo-jumbo.'

"As I mentioned before, Fassler, you'll never go anywhere until you start using 'impact' as a verb."

"Well I prefer to think if us as job creators."

"We no longer refer to them as cubicles anymore, now we call them individual production stations. Sounds a lot less confining!"

"Bert, I'm confused. What happens after we circle the wagons, tighten our belts and walk a mile in our customer's shoes? Is that when the chickens come home to roost?"

"We need to reset our fiscal compass to the changing business horizon."

"We need a best practice swim lane to leverage our core competency, move the needle outside the box, and open the kimono while keeping our ducks in a row. Can anyone give me a sustainable solution to more vertical effectiveness without getting too granula

"Here, we do not procrastinate, we 'table' things."

"Sophia, will you agree to form a joint exploratory committee for marriage?"

"This is what we call a 'customer', or more accurately a 'potential profit centre.'"

'Your proposal is written with clarity and conviction. Send it up to legal for obfuscation.'

'Miss Hartley, implement me a coffee and a cheese danish.'

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

"'Autonomy' is the new BUZZ word! We have to unleash our staff. Professionals like you need to be free to use your own judgement, manage your own workloads...use your initiative."

"I swear, Bob, if you say "I'll think about it and circle back to you" one more time...X"

"As your new CEO, I hereby change 'deadline' to 'soft squiggle.'"

"Mommy is having another baby. Let me assure you that any paradigm shift will be incremental, core values remain family-centric, and Mommy is committed to assimilation and building synergy."

"He has to put a fiver in every time he says 'fiscal imperative' or 'target orientated processes'"

"Kicking you upstairs is, of course, just a figure of speech. What we're really doing is sending you deeper into the countryside."

Terms and conditions on the mount

"We’re leveraging knowledge of niche opportunities to maximize strategic advantages."

"Can you smell that, Jacobs? That’s the smell of me about to offer you a retirement package."

"The best laid plans of mice and men... differ materially in their objectives."

"I kicked the idea of mowing the lawn into the long grass."

GDP and G&T.

'Don't you all feel energised, full of enthusiasm for the future!'

"You're all redundant."

"Enhanced branding metrics drive robust solutions for scalable monetization of jargon."

"Miss Davis, bring me everything we've got on turning a two-bit hole-in-the-wall operation into a multinational juggernaut."

'Ladies and gentlemen, we are the best team money can buy. Now LET'S PLAY BALL!'

"Al could you unpack these mining issues for us whilst Joel drills down to get some detail on the parcel problem."

'Ms. Kravetz, find me a euphemism to describe this productivity gain somewhere between resource action and you're all fired.'

Digital Marketing

"Call a meeting, Miss Pendleton. I want to hear some Corporate Creole."

"Herewith, we recommend the following: when you're up to your rear in alligators, it's worth remembering your original purpose was to drain the swamp...."