Jailer Gifts

'Juries have never liked me.'

'What makes you think he's getting special treatment?'

'-and which commandment did you break?'

'Hey. You're back.'

"Carl! I thought I'd find you here."

'.. and I would appreciate a MARZIPAN file in your next cake!'

Who is prisoner of whom

"Congratulations. You earned time off for bad behavior."

"Aren't you going to introduce me to your friend?"

'This illness Paris contracted must be contagious - everyone wants special treatment.'

'You guys are all pardoned - I'm putting in a wine cellar.'

'Gosh, I think that guard who put his pet ferret down your pants really likes you.'

'Tell them I stepped away from my desk.'

'I never saw a man who looked with such a wistful eye upon that little tent of blue which prisoners call the Sky.'

'Sorry, wrong number.'

'Usually, they try to break out, but, because of the bad economy and the need to eat and have a place to stay, they try to break in.'

'With the benefit of hindsight I guess we shouldn't have asked the Governor to declare our tunnel open.'

Did You Know That...one in three Britons have NEVER met their neighbours?

'Hi, my name is Hugo, and I'll be your guard for the next forty years.'

'Looks like the jailhouse rock to me.'

'If it's not too much trouble, could I have my bread and water separately?'

'I thought I was innocent until I heard all of the evidence against me.'

"Why not become a prison officer when you're released, Dobson? We need 2,000 new prison officers; the government's keen to provide employment for ex-offenders plus you know the ropes."

'I wanted to go straight. . . but then I learned a law degree.'

Prison vending machines.

Prison Exercise Yard. I guess we should have let them have weights instead of a trampoline.

Now the left one's a little tighter than the right one.

"White Collar Prison"

"The lettuce I paid with was fresher than the lettuce I bought."

Prison Romance.

Yoga Sequence to Avoid

"One night in a moment of rage. . . I removed a 'Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law' tag from a pillow!"

'My biggest mistake was to make a 'death-bed confession'... then I made a full recovery!'

'The food's not too bad here. It tastes just like yours and just like yours, it also comes out of a can.'

"How would you feel about inviting my family for Thanksgiving dinner?"