Jailbird Jester Gifts

'Jake! I heard you were in jail!'

'Why, you no-good bum! -- You just sprained my wrist!'

"I got my arson handed to me ... "

"How would you feel about inviting my family for Thanksgiving dinner?"

Elephants never scared me. I once chased three of them into the river/I was able - before I lost my teeth - to bite a crocodile's tail right off / I'll never forget the time I roared so loud, twenty or maybe thirty monkeys fell right out of the tree.

"White Collar Prison"

"The lettuce I paid with was fresher than the lettuce I bought."

'Apparently it's part of the evolutionary process!'

Crow and fox

"Yes, in the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight, but he snores!"

'And before we start, Higgins, I'd like to remind you that this is not a laughing matter.'

'My Dad will like you. He's the care-taker at the monkey house in the zoo.'

'The mysteries of hyena laughter deciphered.'

"Frankly, I don't really want him to improve: he scares the predators away..."

"Regards from the kids, grandma, mom and pop, uncle Fred , Aunt Theresa and cousins Harvey, Flo and Niki. They all want to know where you hid the loot."

"Oh, my husband is a great provider: his hunting success rate is close to 30%..."

'Tusking...one...two...three. Tusking one...two...three...'

'With this offer you get high speed internet, satellite TV and a new message tapping log for just $99.95 a month.'

'My biggest mistake was to make a 'death-bed confession'... then I made a full recovery!'

'They got me for trespassing, grand theft cookie and trafficking Xboxes across state lines.'

'Screw up and take out a canine and it's gonna be Subpoena City.'

'The hard time isn't so bad, but that community service is murder!'

'My husband never does anything in a hurry either: Not only is he a sloth, he's a lazy sloth...'

'Smooth move -- Now we're in REAL trouble!'

'I'm being released on Blu-ray.'

Actual reader mail. Dear Dr. Sadie, Bless you Doctor. I wrote you back last July and asked you if I could expand my grumpiness beyond getting up in the morning. I took your wonderful advice and now there isn't a neighbor, fellow employee or friend that's not fed up with me. You have given me a new existence and once I get out of this lousy jail I'll let the rest of the world know just how annoying I am. I owe it all to you, Sadie. If you ever need a testimonial, call me. Signed, An ol' stick in

"I'm the first one in my family to do time."

'It may be his inner ear.'

'I can't believe it! -- My own personal computer turned state's evidence!'

'Sure I do bad things, but I do them in moderation.'

'I tried to give a woman the Heimlich maneuver, and it turned out she was doing the Macarena.'

'I'll grab the prey's attention and distract them while you sneak up from behind...'

"Check this out. If you pace back and forth, it hypnotizes them and they give you a steak."

"The reason I never get any visitors is because all my family and friends are in here!"

''Where do you see yourself in five years'? That's a stupid question! You know darn well I'll be finishing 5-years of a 25-year sentence!'