Jailbird Jester Gifts

'Jake! I heard you were in jail!'

'Why, you no-good bum! -- You just sprained my wrist!'

"I got my arson handed to me ... "

Elephants never scared me. I once chased three of them into the river/I was able - before I lost my teeth - to bite a crocodile's tail right off / I'll never forget the time I roared so loud, twenty or maybe thirty monkeys fell right out of the tree.

"White Collar Prison"

Crow and fox

'Apparently it's part of the evolutionary process!'

"The lettuce I paid with was fresher than the lettuce I bought."

"Yes, in the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight, but he snores!"

'And before we start, Higgins, I'd like to remind you that this is not a laughing matter.'

'My Dad will like you. He's the care-taker at the monkey house in the zoo.'

"Oh, my husband is a great provider: his hunting success rate is close to 30%..."

"Regards from the kids, grandma, mom and pop, uncle Fred , Aunt Theresa and cousins Harvey, Flo and Niki. They all want to know where you hid the loot."

"Frankly, I don't really want him to improve: he scares the predators away..."

'Tusking...one...two...three. Tusking one...two...three...'

'The mysteries of hyena laughter deciphered.'

'With this offer you get high speed internet, satellite TV and a new message tapping log for just $99.95 a month.'

'My biggest mistake was to make a 'death-bed confession'... then I made a full recovery!'

'Screw up and take out a canine and it's gonna be Subpoena City.'

'Smooth move -- Now we're in REAL trouble!'

"I'm the first one in my family to do time."

'I'm being released on Blu-ray.'

'My husband never does anything in a hurry either: Not only is he a sloth, he's a lazy sloth...'

'The hard time isn't so bad, but that community service is murder!'

'It may be his inner ear.'

'Sure I do bad things, but I do them in moderation.'

'I can't believe it! -- My own personal computer turned state's evidence!'

"Check this out. If you pace back and forth, it hypnotizes them and they give you a steak."

"The reason I never get any visitors is because all my family and friends are in here!"

''Where do you see yourself in five years'? That's a stupid question! You know darn well I'll be finishing 5-years of a 25-year sentence!'

'I tried to give a woman the Heimlich maneuver, and it turned out she was doing the Macarena.'

'I'll grab the prey's attention and distract them while you sneak up from behind...'

"Miss Robins, get me a ladder and a hacksaw, if you will, please."

'I got six months for arson, and ten years for failing to file an environmental impact statement.'

'I made good money - until they added colour to the twenty dollar bills.'