Jail Staff Gifts

'I am the prison artist in residence, I'm doing time for forgery.'

"That had to be the worst job performance review I've ever had."

"Talk, Wallace - where'd you hide the loot?"

'I guess it's not much consolation but I thought your impersonation of the King was a riot.'

"I used to be your old school teacher, I always said you would amount to nothing."

"I don't have my law degree yet but I've got an internship down in cell block 'D'."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'So one day I thought, I'll teach you brats to laugh at me!'

"My problem is a recessive gene for honesty and a dominant gene for robbery."

'The good news is your life sentence is about over.'

"After the judicial system, I'm my own harshest critic."

"The lettuce I paid with was fresher than the lettuce I bought."

"Pregnant!... How did that happen? We took precautions, like not having sex!"

"This one's called 'Incarceration.'"

Mort Park! You mean Killer. You're sprung, Killer. I'm free to go? Unless you're so tough now you'd rather stay. I mean a guy named Killer probably likes jail. Mail me my blanky.

"Recess is over, Your Honor."

'I thought he was joking. I didn't think my husband would really turn me in to the FDA!'

Madoff and devil.

Yoga Sequence to Avoid

'Apparently my DNA had guilt written all over it.'

Freedom Book.

'Are you free at the moment?'

'Where did I bury the loot? -- I thought you buried the loot!'

'I didn't know it was a one-trip salad bar!'

"Cops don't get me. Sure, they got me – but they'll ever get me."

'It's my mother. She wants to talk to you.'

"The truth serum made you say some very hurtful things."

'Court is recessed until the big hand is on the three.'

'I can't work with computers, on account of my animal magnetism.'

HM Prison chapel, "try to think of the lord as a 24 hour video surveillance system gathering pictures for the ultimate crimewatch"

"Instead of 'fraudulent,' the defendant requests that you refer to him as 'fluent in the ancient language of duplicity!'"

'Other than the fact that you were a trustee at the county jail, do you have any other character references?'

'These are Martha's Camp Cupcake Muffins - and I've just ordered her new apron from the prison gift shop.'

'I bet this is going to be another round of criminal bashing, isn't it?'

'She's promised to wait for me but I only hope her memory isn't what it was!'