Ironist Laughter Gifts

'Don's a workaholic. Mention work, and he gets drunk.'

"Living in a city with functional infrastructure must be so boring."

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

Though he created more than 300 products from peanuts, George Washington Carver was unable to change even one of them back into a peanut.

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

'If he knows so much about stocks and shares, how come he still has to work?'

Bob had to confront his fear of butterflies.

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

Lactose Intolerant

Horror movies

'This country is on the road to ruin.' - 'Well, it'll never get there in this traffic.'

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

"So then, after I'd invented my time machine, I thought: why not go back and visit the good old days?"

"No writers were harmed or mistreated in the preparation of this story."

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

"It says 'break glass' but it doesn't say what glass!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

Freedom comes at a cost. We must be willing to pay the ultimate price. Retail.

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

"Well, look at the bright side, Timmy — you're 100 percent wrong."

"...and before you embark upon life's journey, could one of you help me with my laptop?"

'Dang it, I just washed this street. Boy, every time...'

"They haven't said two words to each other—it's sad... I hope we don't end up like that." "They keep talking to each other—it's exhausting... So glad we don't have to do that."

"Nobody ever asked about my mental health."

Frozen Turkey: "I hate to bother you on a holiday but I'm freezing out here. Do you have a heated enclosed space I could rest inside for four to five hours?"

Unpopular Street Signs: Road Work Behind, Speed Jump Ahead, Good Luck, Slow Distracted Adults.

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"How do you do it, hon? Marriage, kids, civic responsibilities, managing a multi-million dollar business and still finding time to do an 18-month stretch for securities fraud?"

"To be honest, I don't believe in ghosts."

"It turns out everyone here is self-published."

"Look! No hands!"

'The meek shall inherit the Earth!'

Wifi in Hell