Ironing Enthusiast (ironically) Gifts

'I'm guessing it's not a surfboard.'

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

"So then, after I'd invented my time machine, I thought: why not go back and visit the good old days?"

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

"It says 'break glass' but it doesn't say what glass!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'Dang it, I just washed this street. Boy, every time...'

Unpopular Street Signs: Road Work Behind, Speed Jump Ahead, Good Luck, Slow Distracted Adults.

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

'The meek shall inherit the Earth!'

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"Well, look at the bright side, Timmy — you're 100 percent wrong."

"Oh, look- French! Let's try it."

"It was a lot more satisfying before 'catch and release.'"

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

'There will be no raises this year since the state now has a lottery.'

"After a long day or remote work, it feels great to change into something less comfortable."

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

"We'll destroy it to the ground ... ...and then..."

'Half-baked beans, low fat variety' "Who says we have no taste?"

"Keep your money, sir. I'm on strike!"

Bookstore, the Politically Incorrect Guide to You.

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

The Snarky District

Emergency Phone.

Businessman sees door sign 'Department of Mismanagement and Overbudget'.

"Bill is in charge of our Ethics Department."

"Never mind, Harry. Just remember, the 'Saturday Review' loved it."

'My pessimism keeps me optimistic.'

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

"And finally, I’d like to thank all those people I stepped on and used to get here. I couldn’t have done it without your submissive insecurity and relentless resignation."

"Wait, you're firing me?! But I was Time magazine’s Person of the Year!"