Ironing Enthusiast (ironically) T-Shirts

'I'm guessing it's not a surfboard.'

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

"So then, after I'd invented my time machine, I thought: why not go back and visit the good old days?"

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

"It says 'break glass' but it doesn't say what glass!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

"Well, look at the bright side, Timmy — you're 100 percent wrong."

Unpopular Street Signs: Road Work Behind, Speed Jump Ahead, Good Luck, Slow Distracted Adults.

'The meek shall inherit the Earth!'

'Dang it, I just washed this street. Boy, every time...'

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"Oh, look- French! Let's try it."

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

"Keep your money, sir. I'm on strike!"

'Before you come with me, tell me...does this robe look a little rumpled to you? I don't think the dry cleaners got the creases out, do you?'

Emergency Phone.

'There will be no raises this year since the state now has a lottery.'

The Snarky District

Bookstore, the Politically Incorrect Guide to You.

"We'll destroy it to the ground ... ...and then..."

"After a long day or remote work, it feels great to change into something less comfortable."

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"It was a lot more satisfying before 'catch and release.'"

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

'Half-baked beans, low fat variety' "Who says we have no taste?"

"Bill is in charge of our Ethics Department."

Businessman sees door sign 'Department of Mismanagement and Overbudget'.

"Never mind, Harry. Just remember, the 'Saturday Review' loved it."

'My pessimism keeps me optimistic.'

"Wait, you're firing me?! But I was Time magazine’s Person of the Year!"

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”