Ironically Practical People Gifts

Condom Delivery

Procrastinators Incorporated

'Sir! We're all doomed! It's a fitted sheet! How can we ever hope to stop something we can't even fold?!'

There were times when Ralph wished god didn't move in such mysterious ways.

Street person selling bricks from wall he's leaning on.

"So ... taking that nap during my performance review was a very bad idea."

"You see, I told you it was worth the climb! Your first 'bird's eye view'. . ."

'Sure I had the world on a string, sittin' on a rainbow, but my finger turned blue and my hemorrhoids were killing me!'

Walk the dog.

Bank Robbery

"Sundials! Hourglasses!"

"Are you coming in, it's lovely and warm?"

Trying to thumb his nose at authority, Lumpy stuck his thumb in his eye! Man covering eye with his hand.

'At the end of the day, I always feel I could have done less!'

Research for Spontanious Human Combustion - Thank you for not smoking

'When you said that you carried the whole weight of the company on your shoulders. . .'

Feel good loser. NON WINNER

'I think I'm right for this job because I'm a real people person. Now, are you going to hire me or not? I don't have all freakin' day!'

Gentlemen's graffiti: 'Your Mother is merely an adequate cook.'

"I was going to discuss procrastination today, but I'm feeling rather tired. Maybe we could finish this off next week."

Nanook's Demolition Co.

'Put this one in the isolation unit.'

Playing a trick on a nurse, leaving a skeleton behind a changing screen.

'Holy smokes! Thank heavens we have the canoe on the roof!'

'If you pretend to water these fake flowers they'll last longer.'

'Yes, I do feel safer, but the key sure is a hassle to carry around.'

Chain Thief

Superficial library.

College is expensive but will add thousands of dollars to my lifetime loan, which I can use to pay off my college loans.

'You're not really into this 'looking for a job' thing, are you?'

All right, which one of you dared Jimmy to put his tongue on the No-Pest Strip?

Bank. Uh-huh

"I DID give up drink for my New Year's resolution but I reckon it doesn't count as I was drunk when I made it."