Impractical Jokesters Gifts

'Yes, I do feel safer, but the key sure is a hassle to carry around.'

Children disturbing a heart rate reading.

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

'WD-40 un-sticks things that should move and duct tape makes things that shouldn't move, stop.'

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

'What do you like about winter? I like these crisp, cold morning walks in the glistening snow.' 'I like how you can keep your extra beer outside.'

"It's World Cup Soccer, Tia Carmen. The U.S. vs England."

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

A crab with a utility knife claw

Extremely Practical Jokes.

'Bummer Dude! No waves. Moondoggie punked me!'

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

"But you didn't say they had to make sense - you just told us to write a thousand words a day."

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

"What are you trying to tell me, girl? Are you hungry? You’re not hungry? The squirrels are skinny-dipping in the pool? Cats are making a hook rug out of your bed? You dug up Jimmy Hoffa?!" "Mitch liked messing with his dog's head."

'One hundred and forty? You don't look a day over one hundred and thirty nine!'

Man on desert island using elastic to shoot him off the island.

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

Kid in hospital has I.V. in him that is a straw.

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"

"You idiots … we lost!"

'So the guidance suggests that if anyone threatens you, throw it them.'

'What, not even a kiss first?'

Dorothy gets a visit from her funny Valentine.

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

Hey boss, that generic soap you gave me isn't really cleaning the cups. Mind if I go get some brand name stuff? Are you insane? There's zero difference between generic and brand name products. Corporate America just cons people into thinking "you get what you pay for." Don't be a stooge, Rudy. Don't fall for it. Now get in there and scrub those cups, minion! Strike a blow for the little guy against corporate lies! Wait ... I'm very confused. Are you a right-winger or a left-winger? You mean in w

Santa Claus stuck in a chimney sitting in a hospital emergency room.

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

Peniteniary for the terminally silly.

Clerk: 'Boy that Delivery guy sure has a THICK accent!'

'I can't make it, I'm dead.'

That's no largemouth bass, son - You caught yourself a rare blabbermouth bass. I'm nothin'! A nobody! Throw me back and I'll show you where the really big fish are!