Existential Jokesters Gifts

Banana Midlife Crisis

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

God not-too-happy with the Humans sticking a 'Closing DOWN Sale!' sign on planet Earth

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

"It's World Cup Soccer, Tia Carmen. The U.S. vs England."

A crab with a utility knife claw

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

Extremely Practical Jokes.

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

"But you didn't say they had to make sense - you just told us to write a thousand words a day."

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

'One hundred and forty? You don't look a day over one hundred and thirty nine!'

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

Kid in hospital has I.V. in him that is a straw.

"You idiots … we lost!"

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"

Dorothy gets a visit from her funny Valentine.

'What, not even a kiss first?'

Hey boss, that generic soap you gave me isn't really cleaning the cups. Mind if I go get some brand name stuff? Are you insane? There's zero difference between generic and brand name products. Corporate America just cons people into thinking "you get what you pay for." Don't be a stooge, Rudy. Don't fall for it. Now get in there and scrub those cups, minion! Strike a blow for the little guy against corporate lies! Wait ... I'm very confused. Are you a right-winger or a left-winger? You mean in w

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

'Catch a pair of chimps and do a complete makeover on them.'

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

Clerk: 'Boy that Delivery guy sure has a THICK accent!'

Peniteniary for the terminally silly.

Look! Up in the sky! It's absurd! It's inane! Malaprop Man! I hear you told people in England you're royalty. Yeah, at first they didn't realize that I was only Joe King. I was an error to the throne who rained for forty days and forty knights. It's disappointing though that I never got to see a pig riding contest at Bucking Ham palace. And I never met Sherlock Holmes. He's the guy who followed the foot prince!

'I can't make it, I'm dead.'

Practical joke, violent offender rehab center: 'Relate to me!'

"Yes, but can your philosophical speculations on existence also be relative to why I crossed the road?"

"Is there a humorist in the house?"

'The electricians hot-wired the building inspector's car seat again.'

"You know darn well my maiden name wasn't Rex. Why do you ask?"

That's no largemouth bass, son - You caught yourself a rare blabbermouth bass. I'm nothin'! A nobody! Throw me back and I'll show you where the really big fish are!