Existential Jokers Gifts

I.D. required for admission to Heaven

"The following program was made possible by fluctuations in the random chaos of the Universe...."

'WD-40 un-sticks things that should move and duct tape makes things that shouldn't move, stop.'

'What do you like about winter? I like these crisp, cold morning walks in the glistening snow.' 'I like how you can keep your extra beer outside.'

"Some mid-life crisis that turned out to be."

'The stage hypnotist was great, he regressed Jeff to a previous life, and discovered that he was a layabout then, too.'

"I lost some intellectual property here last night. Anybody remember what the hell I was talking about?"

'Bummer Dude! No waves. Moondoggie punked me!'

"I've come to stage in my life-cycle where just landing on stuff isn't good enough anymore."

'I believe there's an unseen hand behind everything we do.'

'Catch a pair of chimps and do a complete makeover on them.'

'So the guidance suggests that if anyone threatens you, throw it them.'

"Sorry - I've got to take this..."

'I'm all tired out from creating - let's just use NATURAL selection from now on.'

"If, indeed, there is a reason for all this, than that's so much worse."

Artist Painting his Television.

If a tree falls on a philosopher in the woods, and no one is there to hear his screams for help, did he really make a sound?

'The truth is, Gorillas don't even like bananas...They just love pratfalls.'

"Kayakers Fred! Let's surface next to them and check the look on their faces!"

"I've done a lot of soul searching, and I've come to the conclusion that I should be thinking less about money and more about naked women."

"I'm sorry, Mister Mulligan is dead. . . would you care to wait?"

'That's what I said,dear-your dinner's in the chippie..'

"Yes, but can your philosophical speculations on existence also be relative to why I crossed the road?"

'Socrates, you've been drinking again.'

Psychiatry. I know I've lost touch with reality, but in my defense, reality started it.

"I thought the snow would never start"

To save space, we eliminated hallways and doors, by adding catwalk and ladders.

'Existential truckstop'

'Second fastest gun in the west.'

How electric eels "welcome" door-to-door salesmen

Watch for Men Being Supid

The Gardener's Calendar: If your fish pool is covered with ice...make a hole in it.

'Derek knew that someone, somewhere must have designed a car with a shopping basket.'

"I took your advice."

Tombstone that says I Have No Life