Ironic Wellness Seeker Gifts

Hole-istic Healing.

"Tell me Mr. Jones. Does it hurt when I do this?"

'You are talking about health? Ha! My cig does not have calories, fat, cholesterol, carbohydrates and sugar!'

'Please bow your head and cough. I need to check your hairballs.'

"Up here everything is pretty much opposite."

'But I feel quite healthy.'

"I got a chocolate bar and gum!" "What the #!@* is 'CBD oil'?!"

"I can’t even find the motivation to quit my gym membership."

It's not a tongue depressor, it's a used popsicle stick. If you can name the flavor, your taste buds pass the test.

'Well, we've probed and diagnosed you thoroughly and still have found nothing. Now Dr. Thompson here would like you to lie down in his office for a special 'hypochondria scan.''

'You get the diet book which you won't read, the exercise bar you won't use and the workout CD which you won't watch, for only $29.99.'

You've probably heard of "White Coat Syndrome," the phenomenon in which patients exhibit a high blood pressure level in a clinical setting, even though they don't in other settings. Well, you won't get away with that here.

'Let's keep this simple - what part of you doesn't hurt?'

"Of all the lazy, lowdown, deadbeat, pathetic losers you've ever met who had the most influence on you?"

Life before fitness trackers.

My exercise routine is to change channels every time there's an ad about junk food.

'Great, more trans-fats and cholesterol!'

"I'm suing my scales manufacturer for slander!"

"Every time I go on a diet, he brings up the land of milk and honey."

'Geeez! One day, we'll all get killed by that unhealthy stuff!'

The high fibre diet

'I'm afraid you failed your stress test.', 'AAAARGH!'

'Just think, I used to pay a spa $30 a month to hang me upside down in gravity inversion boots.'

'They're out best selling scales. Guaranteed to be at least 20 Ibs out!'

"Give it to me straight, Doc. How long do I have to ignore your advice."

'Cocaine? Thank God - I thought you were doing salt.'

Warning: Quitting smoking will greatly reduce your chances of getting a piece of the settlement pie.

The Un-healthy Supermarket

"I gave up red meat, but replaced it with extra caffeine and Gluten."

Day 16,219: Acupuncture still not working on butterflies

"Was cutting the hole in the ice and jumping in really that good for your heart?"

"When life gives you lemons, make a lemon-rind shiv."

"Hang on! - How many units is in that...??"

"I was hoping you could prescribe something... I'm having trouble getting erect."

'And a piece of algae for Omega 3.'