Satirical Health Seeker Gifts

'Well, we've probed and diagnosed you thoroughly and still have found nothing. Now Dr. Thompson here would like you to lie down in his office for a special 'hypochondria scan.''

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

We can't call the doctor, we can't call the nurse, we have to call the lady with the alligator purse.

How To Make A Pigs Ear Out Of Swine Flu.

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

'Sure you can have another opinion but I still say you are a fat pig.'

'First of all, I'm taking you off the iron supplements.'

'You can't call it a miracle drug just because you added miracle whip!'

'Actually, cash... not laughter, is the best medicine.'

Witch making a brew with Gluten, Nuts, Trans Fats, BGH, GMOs...

Energy Drinks

'Frankly, the diet I'm putting you on will include things that you probably wouldn't consider 'food' as such.'

'Another upsetting discovery from the world of nutrition: New studies indicate that the air itself is fattening...'

'Let's order one more MRI, just to play it safe.'

Obesity problems in the UK.

'I used to be a pack animal. Lately, I've become a two pack animal.'

"Don't worry, Mr. Johns, basically we'll be taking your organs out and repositioning them all, just a bit to the left."

"Feel free to imagine you might have any of the conditions you read about in the magazines."

You've probably heard of "White Coat Syndrome," the phenomenon in which patients exhibit a high blood pressure level in a clinical setting, even though they don't in other settings. Well, you won't get away with that here.

"It never ceases to amaze me what little brains people have."

"Every time I go on a diet, he brings up the land of milk and honey."

Life before fitness trackers.

Covid-19

Woman visits a dietitian and comes out a skeleton.

Dental records help ID the body. That's how they know who to bill.

"It's a warning from the American Hypochondriacs Association -- you've been overprescribing placebos."

"If our ambulance hadn't hit you, you might be waiting ten or fifteen minutes for another one."

'Consumer alert! Consumer alert! - If it tastes good, spit it out!'

'They're out best selling scales. Guaranteed to be at least 20 Ibs out!'

'I'm afraid you failed your stress test.', 'AAAARGH!'

'Just think, I used to pay a spa $30 a month to hang me upside down in gravity inversion boots.'

"The medicine I prescribed should kick in in 5-7 days. . . the side effects in 5-7 minutes."

Aren't you afraid you'll void the warranty?