Satirical Health Seeker Pillows

'Well, we've probed and diagnosed you thoroughly and still have found nothing. Now Dr. Thompson here would like you to lie down in his office for a special 'hypochondria scan.''

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

We can't call the doctor, we can't call the nurse, we have to call the lady with the alligator purse.

How To Make A Pigs Ear Out Of Swine Flu.

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

'Sure you can have another opinion but I still say you are a fat pig.'

'First of all, I'm taking you off the iron supplements.'

'You can't call it a miracle drug just because you added miracle whip!'

Witch making a brew with Gluten, Nuts, Trans Fats, BGH, GMOs...

'Frankly, the diet I'm putting you on will include things that you probably wouldn't consider 'food' as such.'

'Actually, cash... not laughter, is the best medicine.'

'Another upsetting discovery from the world of nutrition: New studies indicate that the air itself is fattening...'

Energy Drinks

'Let's order one more MRI, just to play it safe.'

Obesity problems in the UK.

"Feel free to imagine you might have any of the conditions you read about in the magazines."

"Don't worry, Mr. Johns, basically we'll be taking your organs out and repositioning them all, just a bit to the left."

"It never ceases to amaze me what little brains people have."

Woman visits a dietitian and comes out a skeleton.

"Every time I go on a diet, he brings up the land of milk and honey."

Covid-19

"It's a warning from the American Hypochondriacs Association -- you've been overprescribing placebos."

Dental records help ID the body. That's how they know who to bill.

Life before fitness trackers.

"If our ambulance hadn't hit you, you might be waiting ten or fifteen minutes for another one."

'Consumer alert! Consumer alert! - If it tastes good, spit it out!'

"Level with me, Doc, how am I looking?"

'Just think, I used to pay a spa $30 a month to hang me upside down in gravity inversion boots.'

'They're out best selling scales. Guaranteed to be at least 20 Ibs out!'

'I'm afraid you failed your stress test.', 'AAAARGH!'

"The medicine I prescribed should kick in in 5-7 days. . . the side effects in 5-7 minutes."