Ironic Wellness Seeker Pillows

"Tell me Mr. Jones. Does it hurt when I do this?"

'You are talking about health? Ha! My cig does not have calories, fat, cholesterol, carbohydrates and sugar!'

'But I feel quite healthy.'

"Up here everything is pretty much opposite."

"I can’t even find the motivation to quit my gym membership."

"I got a chocolate bar and gum!" "What the #!@* is 'CBD oil'?!"

'Well, we've probed and diagnosed you thoroughly and still have found nothing. Now Dr. Thompson here would like you to lie down in his office for a special 'hypochondria scan.''

'You get the diet book which you won't read, the exercise bar you won't use and the workout CD which you won't watch, for only $29.99.'

'Let's keep this simple - what part of you doesn't hurt?'

"Of all the lazy, lowdown, deadbeat, pathetic losers you've ever met who had the most influence on you?"

"Every time I go on a diet, he brings up the land of milk and honey."

My exercise routine is to change channels every time there's an ad about junk food.

"I'm suing my scales manufacturer for slander!"

'Great, more trans-fats and cholesterol!'

Life before fitness trackers.

'Geeez! One day, we'll all get killed by that unhealthy stuff!'

The high fibre diet

'They're out best selling scales. Guaranteed to be at least 20 Ibs out!'

'I'm afraid you failed your stress test.', 'AAAARGH!'

'Just think, I used to pay a spa $30 a month to hang me upside down in gravity inversion boots.'

"Give it to me straight, Doc. How long do I have to ignore your advice."

"When life gives you lemons, make a lemon-rind shiv."

"Was cutting the hole in the ice and jumping in really that good for your heart?"

Day 16,219: Acupuncture still not working on butterflies

"I gave up red meat, but replaced it with extra caffeine and Gluten."

The Un-healthy Supermarket

Warning: Quitting smoking will greatly reduce your chances of getting a piece of the settlement pie.

'And a piece of algae for Omega 3.'

"Hang on! - How many units is in that...??"

"I was hoping you could prescribe something... I'm having trouble getting erect."

'I'm going to be a lot more decisive from now on. Well... maybe not a lot more, but at least a little more.'