Ironic Romantics Gifts

'I love you, but I have to keep moving or I'll suffocate and die.'

"The reports that he had huge stockpiles of money proved to be untrue."

'I was given a sign I would marry Gerald. It was a pound sign.'

In Sickness And In Hell

I reckon a laundromat's a good place to pick up a woman. I don't agree. A woman who can't afford a washing machine will probably never be afford to keep you.

"I'd like to dedicate this next tune to those who have discovered love, gotten married, and wished desperately for death."

You're the botanicals in my gin

'Tomorrow we'll look back on this as a night to remember.'

"It's a beautiful ring. She'll definitely pause for a moment before saying no."

A thief steals a heart

"What lucky stranger's hitting the jackpot tonight?"

'Looks like a love affair gone bad.'

Gigolo Diary

'Hey babe, I got two tickets to the gun show, you interested?'

'Your hair is messy,stand up straight. You look unkempt.'

Beware of geeks bearing gifts.

"So ... taking that nap during my performance review was a very bad idea."

Robert Macaire recieving expensive gifts from his love

'It's Sir Galahad - Take your umbrella and walking boots, the white charger's gone in for a de-coke.'

'You never look more beautiful than when you're walking out on me.'

"Hello, gorgeous!"

'Personally, I don't see what's so romantic about canoeing.'

'Sure I had the world on a string, sittin' on a rainbow, but my finger turned blue and my hemorrhoids were killing me!'

'Memory loss has certainly made wife-swapping a lot easier hasn't it Jack. Walter. Whatever your name is.'

"Nah, not my type."

'How did you ever get a good conduct medal?'

A man hugs a heart-shaped cactus

"It's my wife. She understands me."

"An algorithm matched us as soul mates, and yet it can't suggest a movie we both want to watch."

I agree with you Sadie. It's a total waste. What is? Facebook. It just sucks up your time, with the chatting and the updates and the Scrabble playing. Scrabble? People play on Facebook, or their iPhones, or casual game sites. Total waste. I love Scrabble! Hook baited. Internal conflict!

"I had no idea a sexless marriage would involve so much reading."

"I'm not social distancing. I just don't like you."

"Isn't this romantic—just the two of us by a fire as it consumes every letter from that tramp you almost married?"

'...didn't send myself a Valentines Day card!'

Mary & Gary on their first real life date.