Ironic Indulgence Enthusiast Gifts

"This is my shame spiral pepper spray."

'Nowadays we want all our food to be ethically sourced, Personally I'd be happy if it was all chocolated sauced,'

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

"I'll have the barbecued half-pounder, with all the ramifications."

"Still Undecided Political Blocs"

Make your resolutions achievable.

"I like his earlier work better, particularly the ones I said I didn't like at the time."

'Look Reg, a ship...we're saved!'

"Great coffee, Carole."

Woman thinking about luxuries.

"Only 35% CACAO? I'll have to eat TWICE as much then!"

'You don't need a colonoscopy, but I'm sending you for one because, quite frankly, I don't like you.'

'Wait! Wait a minute! Would you hold my glasses?'

"Good news, chief, a computer virus destroyed all our documents."

'Of course he didn't believe the stork story. Try telling him we made him with a 3D printer.'

In Case of Emergency: Dark Chocolate

"Gucci Firenze 1921"

"I can cure your back problem, but there's a risk that you'll be left with nothing to talk about."

'You're looking well.'

'The bears are very well-behaved.'

Wow. Worst Tunnel of Love ever.

'Tonight's special presentation, 'The Myth of the Mafia,' was made possible by a grant from the Gambino family.'

'Please take this away from me.'

"I think we can agree that the bridge collapsing is not a good thing."

"It's my day off."

'I've decided to give up giving up!'

'Forget economy! Put us down for every frill you got!'

'Did anyone save a stomach for dessert?'

A Donut Ride Outside of a Police Station

"What do you have that justifies its calories?"

"Gimme a double burger between two burgers. And hold the lettuce; it only dilutes the experience."

'They opened an ice cream shop by the gym.'

Let's afford him the same respect his minions gave Pres. Obama and his family."

"BEARD FOR HIRE! Good Rates!"

'Don't you find watching people relaxing?'