Ironic Indulgence Enthusiast T-Shirts

"This is my shame spiral pepper spray."

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

'Nowadays we want all our food to be ethically sourced, Personally I'd be happy if it was all chocolated sauced,'

"I'll have the barbecued half-pounder, with all the ramifications."

"Still Undecided Political Blocs"

Make your resolutions achievable.

"I like his earlier work better, particularly the ones I said I didn't like at the time."

'Look Reg, a ship...we're saved!'

Woman thinking about luxuries.

"Great coffee, Carole."

"Only 35% CACAO? I'll have to eat TWICE as much then!"

'You don't need a colonoscopy, but I'm sending you for one because, quite frankly, I don't like you.'

'Wait! Wait a minute! Would you hold my glasses?'

"Good news, chief, a computer virus destroyed all our documents."

'Of course he didn't believe the stork story. Try telling him we made him with a 3D printer.'

In Case of Emergency: Dark Chocolate

"Gucci Firenze 1921"

"I can cure your back problem, but there's a risk that you'll be left with nothing to talk about."

'You're looking well.'

'Please take this away from me.'

'The bears are very well-behaved.'

'Tonight's special presentation, 'The Myth of the Mafia,' was made possible by a grant from the Gambino family.'

"I think we can agree that the bridge collapsing is not a good thing."

"What do you have that justifies its calories?"

"Gimme a double burger between two burgers. And hold the lettuce; it only dilutes the experience."

'I've decided to give up giving up!'

"It's my day off."

'Did anyone save a stomach for dessert?'

A Donut Ride Outside of a Police Station

'Forget economy! Put us down for every frill you got!'

'They opened an ice cream shop by the gym.'

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

'Hey man that's a gas!'

Let's afford him the same respect his minions gave Pres. Obama and his family."

"BEARD FOR HIRE! Good Rates!"