Ironic Indulger Gifts

Diet now...ask me how. 'I spent $600 at the fat farm and haven't lost a single kilo, apparently you're supposed to show up...'

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

This is a great game --- All except for that blimp. It keeps reminding me I've already broken my diet resolution. Pizza. Chips.

"I like his earlier work better, particularly the ones I said I didn't like at the time."

'Look Reg, a ship...we're saved!'

"Great coffee, Carole."

'You don't need a colonoscopy, but I'm sending you for one because, quite frankly, I don't like you.'

'Wait! Wait a minute! Would you hold my glasses?'

"Good news, chief, a computer virus destroyed all our documents."

'Of course he didn't believe the stork story. Try telling him we made him with a 3D printer.'

Seven deadly sins shopping plaza

"I can cure your back problem, but there's a risk that you'll be left with nothing to talk about."

'You're looking well.'

I can't decide what to read, Gourmet or Weight Watchers.

"Is that neat whisky?"

"Who are These People?"

'The bears are very well-behaved.'

'Tonight's special presentation, 'The Myth of the Mafia,' was made possible by a grant from the Gambino family.'

'Please take this away from me.'

Wow. Worst Tunnel of Love ever.

"I think we can agree that the bridge collapsing is not a good thing."

"It's my day off."

"But you told me you were on gardening leave, so why can't you come and help me in the garden?"

'Did anyone save a stomach for dessert?'

A Donut Ride Outside of a Police Station

"I'll have you know that I'm not breathing fire at all. I'm having a vape."

The Food of Shame.

"If you're as smart a refrigerator as they say you are, you'll keep your mouth shut about this."

'Yes, that's all - isn't 1500 calories enough?'

"BEARD FOR HIRE! Good Rates!"

'Don't you find watching people relaxing?'

Let's afford him the same respect his minions gave Pres. Obama and his family."

Priceless antiques priced to sell!

'That's enough cream. Please stop.'