Ironic Humor Lovers Pillows

'Next time, no house warming.'

'He's been in here all day looking for trouble.'

I'm thinking of joining the, 'People Who Enjoy Solitude in Large Numbers', group.

'If you don't talk to me, Murdock, we'll turn you over to the social workers!'

'I've been watching those workmen for two hours and they haven't lifted a finger.'

OK, then, I'll meet you at the optimists club unless I get hit by a bus or something.

'You're more than just a number to us, Hawkins, we see you as a real person...one with a poor work ethic and a tendency toward insubordination!'

'It's a disgrace What we couldn't afford when we were young but poor is what we don't need now that we're rich but old'

Consumer Therapy

"The crazy thing is I actually managed to give up in the summer"

Tycoon on beach listens to "office sounds" on CD player

"Just phone Mr.Fry and tell him the claim's been rejectedbecause the damage was deemed an 'Act of God'."

Say, aren't you my old shop teacher who said I couldn't cut a straight line to save my life?

Madam Zenas Psychic Hotline.

Paper or plastic?

Oomph-free Bogart.

'He's an active, passive smoker.'

Violence in schools has increased

"Sorry...right out of coastguard jobs at the moment. Not even one on the horizon."

"But, I have to work from home. Otherwise, the junk man might haul it off while I'm away."

A pickpocket reaches through a statue in an art gallery.

"Well, one good thing about summer...is I work more hours and make a lot more money. The bad thing is...I have a lot more free time to spend it all."

The cold vacuum of space...

I Really Don't Care Do U?

Kidnapping

The Last Place on Earth

'Bad news Fred, they're stopping my incapacity benefit.'

Desert Island with quicksand.

How To...Multi-Task

WAR COLLEGE, new minor: peacekeeping.

Equal opportunities inspector "I hear he got his job because he knew someone"

'I hate these romance cruises.'

Hall of mirrors.

'Grievous bodily harm and the crowd is cheering! That's it, I'm calling my lawyer!'

Reindeer with mounted Santa and elf hunting trophies