Ironic Dieter Gifts

I'm trying to eat healthier. Let's pick up pizza ourselves rather than having it delivered.

'Everytime there's a thaw, I lose a lot of weight.'

'Oh she's certainly on a diet but can't decide whether to have it before or after her normal meals...!'

"Today I'm gonna stuff myself! I'll have half a broccoli and a glass of water!"

"No matter how much gelato, pizza and tiramisu I eat, I gain weight. This Mediterranean diet just isn't working."

"I'm on a diet. Mini-size it!"

"I hope that's low calorie eye of newt."

When Tia Carmen says... "It's time to eat healthy!" it means... "I'm only using one stick of butter instead of three."

'The second day of my diet is the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

"When it's extremely cold out, I prefer flambés to winter stews."

Angel's Food cake vs Devil's food cake.

'I thought it was your figure you were supposed to be watching !'

'I'm eating less and drinking less, yet I'm still merry!'

How Wafer-Thin Mints Stay Thin.

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

All You Can Eat Buffet: "Remember, my safe word is 'Diabetes.'"

"I'm trying to eat more vegetarians."

'This exercise bike's brilliant - it's MOTORISED!'

'Two more strawberry creams and that's my ' five a day' taken care of....'

A well-balanced meal to a kid is a candy bar in each hand.

"Hold on! A new study says those are actually bad for you."

Food-Snob Fear Factor

Snacking on yourself causes NO net weight gain!!!

"Everything is fat-free. So why am I still fat?"

It occurred to Norman that he was using far, far too much salt.

'Bad news... all our tests came back with you as delicious.'

"I start my diets with the best intentions, but when I see these legs and feet splashing around I go crazy!"

"Oh well. . . another New Year's resolution shot!"

Weight Watchers: StOUT and thIN Desk Organizers

'We'll have to be more aggressive with your diet. I'd like to try something I call 'The Carbivore''.

"I bought a metric scale. I'll no longer be disappointed with my weight because I won't know what it means."

'Well, if you're enjoying your diet plan you must be doing it wrong.'

Diet.

'I don't mind pigging out as long as it's not on empty calories.'

"My doctor said I'm digging my own grave with a spoon and fork. It'll take longer if I use only a fork."