Ironic Diet Aficionado Gifts

'I'm an expert on diets, I've been on 456 of them!'

When Tia Carmen says... "It's time to eat healthy!" it means... "I'm only using one stick of butter instead of three."

"No matter how much gelato, pizza and tiramisu I eat, I gain weight. This Mediterranean diet just isn't working."

'The items with the little hearts will clog your arteries the fastest.'

Chocolate never tasted as good as when I sneak a piece while dieting.

"I'm on a diet. Mini-size it!"

"I'm trying to eat more vegetarians."

'Darling - look! I've dropped a gene size already.'

A well-balanced meal to a kid is a candy bar in each hand.

"Hold on! A new study says those are actually bad for you."

"Everyone, stop looking delicious. The vegans are back and that tofurkey jerky won't keep them back much longer."

"I'm on the whisky diet - I've lost 3 days already..."

"One gluten-free, lactose-free, low carb pizza."

"Everything is fat-free. So why am I still fat?"

'Not that we don't appreciate the popcorn, but how about something low-carb next time?'

'Everytime there's a thaw, I lose a lot of weight.'

Mother Nature's Health Foods

'We'll have to be more aggressive with your diet. I'd like to try something I call 'The Carbivore''.

Summertime Blues

"Are all of your carcinogens produced locally?"

'Well, if you're enjoying your diet plan you must be doing it wrong.'

'You must be skinnier than this to eat at buffet bar.'

'I'm all for a healthy diet,too, but once in a while couldn't we eat something a cow wouldn't eat?'

Fast food

'Bottles water or other non-carbonated diet beverage!...'

Diet.

"This is the latest craze - eat anything you want, anytime you want. It's called the San Andreas Plan."

'I just don't understand all the commotion over genetically altered foods, Jack. We've beens serving them, unbeknownst, to our employees in the very commissary for 10 years without a single complaint.'

'Your wife put you on a fad diet?'

'Cocaine? Thank God - I thought you were doing salt.'

The Un-healthy Supermarket

Joe's Natural Foods...steak 'n' tators.

When I said you needed a varied diet I didn't mean just all 12 varieties of 'Krispy snax'

"Hang on! - How many units is in that...??"

'...until the doctor put me on this bread and butter diet nothing worked for me.'