Investor In Disguise Gifts

"My mistake was buying shares in the company. I now worry about the lousy work I turn out."

The Stock Market.

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

"I'm from brokers without borders. Invest in deserted island reits!"

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

'The results of your physical exam are fine, except for your reflexes: They're more 'dog-like' than 'cat-like'.'

"Sinclair's not all he's cracked up to be. His reputation exceeds him."

"We need a market icon that reflects the ridiculous market conditions..."

'You sloth and gluttony guys have it easy -- I'm here for envy!'

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

'Basically it's a stock that if a chain of near miraculous events would happen to occur, you'd make a bundle.'

"Your farm's doing well John. What's your secret?"

'Well, Eddy may look a bit rough, but he's good at heart - last week, he bought stocks from a company which produces cuddly puppy toys in pink ballet dresses!'

"He downgraded Apple."

"I'd like these invested in an aggressive mutual fund."

"Okay, it if makes you feel better...yes, I have stock in a banana company."

"I recommend you invest in oil. Prices are down now, but auto leaks are up."

'And then the bad man from the Securities and Exchange Commission and I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house down!'

Bloke orders a pizza as Jesus divides the loafs and fishes

"The first thing we should do is get you two into a good mutual fund. Let me get out the 'Magic 8 Ball' and we'll fun some options."

Investments: We have locally grown stocks.

The last of the Mom and Pop brokerage houses

"You should consider buying."

Animal worries.

'That's Renfrew -- he's in charge of high-risk portfolios.'

Locally Grown Stocks, Farm Fresh CDs, Free Range Annuities.

A rising tide may lift all boats but I sank all my savings in beachfront properties.

'Today the Yuan rose against the pork belly, the chicken beak, the eel, the wanton, and the egg noodle.'

"Don't put your money into stocks. Bury it!"

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

'I wonder if I can increase its range?'

'Finzter, our newest investment adviser, believes that money can make you happy.'

'Consumer confidence is up.. in the 'Money in the mattress' sector.'

'...but the good new is your old Enron stock has become a high-priced collectible!'