Investor Extraordinaire Gifts

'Look at the bright side. Think of our mutual funds going up, up, up!'

'Get Rich' Stock Brokers and 'Get Even' Attorney-at-law.

Profit

"I'm just glad we got out before interest rates went up again."

"That was a great ideaof yours, chester."

Man is successfully leaping over chasm.

Chicken - "The Dow is falling...the dow is falling..."

"Who says you can't take it with you? This one has a fireproof lining."

"Every single day, guys ask you for advice about women, work, sports... Haven't you ever even heard of the law of supply and demand?. . .I'd be glad to steer the downtrodden and the forlorn your way for a mere 82% of the man-to-man-talk fee."

'CPA's' evolving into 'Consultants'

"We have a new line of designer hedge funds...the Topiary Group."

"The last thing I remember was asking my broker if all my money had been in risk-free bonds."

"The Oaths of the Venture Capitalists."

A rising tide may lift all boats but I sank all my savings in beachfront properties.

'You won't lose any more money. We're the first fund with a GPS tracking system.'

"Enjoy it while you can, kid. It's a really short hop from 'Geek Genius' to 'Quasi-Creepy, Weird-Looking Old Rich Guy!'"

"Eternity isn't so bad - as long as I can keep track of how my earthly investments are doing."

"I want to switch all my municipal bonds into stocks, my stocks into T-bill and my T-bills into municipal bonds."

"It's from eBay! I won a cigarette lighter for a 1964 Chevy Impala. I make my dreams come true one bid at a time."

'He's my 'greed coach'.'

"Maybe I'm too good a mentor."

"It has yet to turn a profit."

Don't panic!

"My biggest strength would probably be my giant chicken legs."

'My first piece of advice is not to put all your eggs in one basket.'

'What do our service charges cover? -- people who ask too many questions!'

Losing Money on Gas.

'Now's a good time to get a feel for your negotiating skills.'

'This is McWit. He's responsible for our really complex spreadsheets.'

Man cutting his son out of his will and sending his valuable paintings to the blind asylum

"Oh sure. . . now the market rebounds!"

'I made big bucks in the 70s, invested well and now I'm living it large.'

Never understood the 'buy low, sell high' theory.

'Although you still can't take it with you, they let you follow your old investments online.'

'He voted for the Green Party -- he thought it had something to do with money.'