Investment Wizard Gifts

"Instead, let me be your investment advisor and get you eleven-per-cent return, year in and year out, regardless of market conditions."

'This investment fund idea looks promising, Harlow, but could you think up a catchier name than 'Ponzi Scheme'?'

European Commission bulldozing through Hedge fund maze

"If they believe its falling, it'll fall. ...And that's when we buy, buy, buy!"

'The nice thing about America is, no matter how the economy is doing, you can always blame the Chairman of the Federal Reserve.'

"She's registered at Salomon Smith Barney."

'Looks like the trust my money is in isn't blind, but it is short sighted.'

Piggy Bank Shadow

"You are now $15,000 richer. I found the online password to your brokerage account 20 traders ago."

"We live in scary times."

Understanding how clients actually think and behave is a key ingredient of behavioural finance.

Smiling businessman with rising profits

Man breaks piggy bank to find another smaller piggy bank inside.

"Leading economic indicators were falling, but now they're rising!"

Hedge Fund: Our 'Swaps' which mimic stocks, were voted #1 derivative of the year!

"It's a new industry award for fund management. It's called the 'Pile of cash'.''

The day the stock market went UP.

'We've set the bar quite high at this company. It helps us control bonuses.'

"This is not permanent...we'll be back as soon as things start to look up."

'What do you want first - The bad news or the even badder news?'

Profit

'Please remember that these figures could be off as much as two dollars.'

'Can't they just switch to smaller barrels?'

"Although technically it's a profit and loss statement, the narrative is admittedly rather one-sided."

"Some day, son, all this will be your ex-wife's."

'He's so rich, when he writes a cheque the bank bounces.'

"I know other hospitals are worried about the superbug, but ours is the only one that understands the accounts system."

'Today the stock market was moribund, as growth equities sputtered and bonds dipped due to the inverted yield curve. I'd translate that into layman's terms...but they don't pay me enough.'

'I think I know what the problem is!'

"They've given me the Lion's share of budgetary constraints."

'These are the end of year figures recollected in tranquility.'

"Remember, money is only a tool - to make more money."

Fred wonders if he should go see what's happening in accounting.

'... And this is Goldsmith, our futures consultant.'

'A short economics test - if you bought something for