Portfolio Wizard Gifts

"I left my boring dividends to fool around with capital appreciation."

For entertainment purposes - Financial Advisor.

'Your investments aren't under performing, they're just appreciation challenged.'

'Just one question: How come my fantasy stock portfolio consistently out performs my actual portfolio?'

'I think it's time you reboot that lucky tie of yours.'

'I can't take all the credit. My childhood imaginary friend picked a lot of my stocks.'

'I steal all my investment ideas - but only from the very best.'

'Hi, I'm the ghost of your past, present and future stock portfolio!'

"Sure, you lost most of your money investing in this stock, but they did give you a participation trophy."

Phrenology bust with sections for different currencies.

'We've set the bar quite high at this company. It helps us control bonuses.'

"This is not permanent...we'll be back as soon as things start to look up."

'What do you want first - The bad news or the even badder news?'

Profit

'Please remember that these figures could be off as much as two dollars.'

"Although technically it's a profit and loss statement, the narrative is admittedly rather one-sided."

'He's so rich, when he writes a cheque the bank bounces.'

"Some day, son, all this will be your ex-wife's."

'Good news! Our nest egg is developing into a double yoke.'

"I know other hospitals are worried about the superbug, but ours is the only one that understands the accounts system."

'And just what makes you think I don't know what I'm doing?!!'

'Today the stock market was moribund, as growth equities sputtered and bonds dipped due to the inverted yield curve. I'd translate that into layman's terms...but they don't pay me enough.'

"They've given me the Lion's share of budgetary constraints."

'I think I know what the problem is!'

"Remember, money is only a tool - to make more money."

Fred wonders if he should go see what's happening in accounting.

Maybe clean out your wallet

'These are the end of year figures recollected in tranquility.'

'The bad news is it's all our client's money.'

'... And this is Goldsmith, our futures consultant.'

'A short economics test - if you bought something for

"Ed and Helen's portfolio rose 3 point today on Dave's purchase of 100 shares..."

"When was the last time you exercised something other than a purchase option?"

"There are the arts, the sciences, agriculture, and commerce. Stick with commerce, if you know what's good for you."

'This boy you call my son doesn't care about investments, economy and money. I want a DNA test.'