Into Quirky Humor Pillows

'Gee, no — we were hoping you'd have the solution to all our problems.'

"No, it wasn't a sinkhole. Your old TV was so heavy the ground could no longer take the weight."

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

"Either that's Marmaduke with a lizard's head in front of us, or I really mixed up my meds."

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

Gifts for a cloned baby!

"You left this on our ship."

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Molecules You Ought to be Aware of.

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

Odd Angles,a monthly strip on coarse angling.

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

Theatre Masks and Butts

"Don't shave it. It gives your face character."

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

"We have to take that science away from Tommy...he's genetically modified the cat!"

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

'Tiddles has left everything to an old folks' home.'

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

Introducing...Anagraman.

"Sorry sir - the self-propelling pencils have all just walked out..."

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

"Fresh pepper?"

"And that's General Ambrose T. Spangler. He died in the Great Mustache Fire of 1897."

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

Cow talking to dog: 'What...You eat your own...?!'

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

Glance Exchange