Into Quirky Humor Pillows

'Gee, no — we were hoping you'd have the solution to all our problems.'

"No, it wasn't a sinkhole. Your old TV was so heavy the ground could no longer take the weight."

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

"Either that's Marmaduke with a lizard's head in front of us, or I really mixed up my meds."

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

"I'm not here to slay you. I'm here to talk to you about diversifying your investment portfolio."

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"You left this on our ship."

Gifts for a cloned baby!

Molecules You Ought to be Aware of.

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

"Don't shave it. It gives your face character."

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

Odd Angles,a monthly strip on coarse angling.

Theatre Masks and Butts

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

"We have to take that science away from Tommy...he's genetically modified the cat!"

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

'Tiddles has left everything to an old folks' home.'

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

Glance Exchange

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"And that's General Ambrose T. Spangler. He died in the Great Mustache Fire of 1897."

Cow talking to dog: 'What...You eat your own...?!'

"Fresh pepper?"

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

Introducing...Anagraman.

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

Goat about goat: 'He's no longer gruff since he's been on Prozac.'

Astral Projection

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"