Interviewee Adventures Pillows

"I'll be frank - we offered it to Mario Cuomo first, but he turned it down."

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

I'm a self-made man!

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'Can you do more work then is humanly possible?'

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

"I love you in a suit. You look so... employed."

'I'm looking fo someone who can make me laugh.'

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"I see by your resume this would be your first time in a symbiotic relationship."

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

Do you have any other skills?

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

'You lack the expertise we're looking for, Mr Wheaton - but darn it, I like your attitude.'

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

"We offer 104 vacation days...otherwise known as weekends."

"I'm looking for a 'yes man' who can say 'no' without sounding negative"

"Wow...your resume is quite impressive."

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

"So, you want to work at our firm, Eh?"

"You say you’re currently holding down 3 jobs...very impressive."

And I like to call this my 'dance of the enhanced PEP at alternative firms'.

'Alright, throw in your resume and the 'Get A Job' potion will be complete.'

STRIP Hambone: Computer company job interview

'Why do you want a career in the bank?'

"I believe you'll like our company. We pay our employees time and a fifth."

"It's a shame, excellent recommendations and a superb skill set but lacks the boiling hot all consuming ambition and ruthless desire for self promotion required as head of stationary procurement."

'Your CV says in your last job you were responsible for...'

"That's the last time I write my own resume!"