Interviewee With A Twist Pillows

"Seriously?"

"Ideally, we're looking for someone who can handle change."

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

'You'll have to take an online company aptitude test, but if you're the designer we're looking for, you've already designed an app for that.'

I'm a self-made man!

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

"I see by your resume this would be your first time in a symbiotic relationship."

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

"I love you in a suit. You look so... employed."

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

'It's a senior management position. We need someone who can listen politely, and then say no.'

Do you have any other skills?

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

"In addition to 'loyalty' are there any OTHER qualities you think you could bring to the job?"

You're next, Mr. Kimble - right after his apple danish.

'I treat everyone here the same as my family. . . like s**t.'

'A short economics test - if you bought something for

"In my old job we were encouraged to run fast and break things."

'You lack the expertise we're looking for, Mr Wheaton - but darn it, I like your attitude.'

'And we have an employee wellness program. By not offering health insurance or sick pay, we encourage wellness.'

"Can I multi-task? As a single mom I'm both the bread-winner and bread-baker!"

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

"Wow...your resume is quite impressive."

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

"Your CV will be sufficient, Mr. Cooper."

"You say you’re currently holding down 3 jobs...very impressive."

"According to your resume, you've done just about everything except ever having a job."

"Brilliant cover letter, lousy résumé."