Interview Stalwart Pillows

"Briefcase, tie, notes... I think I'm ready for the interview now."

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

"I see by your resume this would be your first time in a symbiotic relationship."

'Your resume is impressive, but next time try to shorten it from 100 pages to one.'

Do you have any other skills?

'You lack the expertise we're looking for, Mr Wheaton - but darn it, I like your attitude.'

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

"I'm looking for a 'yes man' who can say 'no' without sounding negative"

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

'Now, remember...let me do the talking.'

"Wow...your resume is quite impressive."

'We like your style, but hate your substance.'

'Your CV says in your last job you were responsible for...'

And I like to call this my 'dance of the enhanced PEP at alternative firms'.

"So, you want to work at our firm, Eh?"

"You say you’re currently holding down 3 jobs...very impressive."

'I'll be a responsible and mature asset to the company, as proven by the lack of asinine photos of me on Facebook.'

"That's the last time I write my own resume!"

"That's nice, but do you have any references other than your Mom?"

"Allow me to respond to your question with a question of my own that I can answer."

Help wanted. Various positions available.

'Cat job interviews.'

Experience is important, so I'm inclined to leave questions of ethics to those who have them.

'You're on the shortlist. It's between you and the bloke who's going to get the job.'

"I see you have a lot of experience in re-tail. . ."

'I was just beginning to think about my portfolio. Now you're telling me to rethink it.'

'Make up your mind, pal - there are plenty of other fish who'd give their gills for this job.'

'The position carries no salary, just healthcare coverage.'

'It's a difficult position to fill. Someone who's smarter than me - and smart enough to pretend not to know it.'