Interviewee Expert Pillows

"I'd like to be the first to welcome you to our company. But, I've decided not to hire you."

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

'You'll have to take an online company aptitude test, but if you're the designer we're looking for, you've already designed an app for that.'

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

I'm a self-made man!

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

"I love you in a suit. You look so... employed."

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

"I see by your resume this would be your first time in a symbiotic relationship."

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

'It's a senior management position. We need someone who can listen politely, and then say no.'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

Do you have any other skills?

'I treat everyone here the same as my family. . . like s**t.'

'A short economics test - if you bought something for

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

You're next, Mr. Kimble - right after his apple danish.

"In addition to 'loyalty' are there any OTHER qualities you think you could bring to the job?"

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"In my old job we were encouraged to run fast and break things."

"We offer 104 vacation days...otherwise known as weekends."

'And we have an employee wellness program. By not offering health insurance or sick pay, we encourage wellness.'

"I'm looking for a 'yes man' who can say 'no' without sounding negative"

"Wow...your resume is quite impressive."

"Can I multi-task? As a single mom I'm both the bread-winner and bread-baker!"

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

'Now, remember...let me do the talking.'

"Your CV will be sufficient, Mr. Cooper."