Intervieweer Expert Pillows

'I'm looking for a workaholic who feels the great job he does is compensation enough.'

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

'You'll have to take an online company aptitude test, but if you're the designer we're looking for, you've already designed an app for that.'

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

I'm a self-made man!

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

"I love you in a suit. You look so... employed."

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"I see by your resume this would be your first time in a symbiotic relationship."

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

'I'm sure that you are highly qualified. It's just that we're not hiring anyone at the third grade level.'

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

'It's a senior management position. We need someone who can listen politely, and then say no.'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

Do you have any other skills?

'A short economics test - if you bought something for

'I treat everyone here the same as my family. . . like s**t.'

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

"In my old job we were encouraged to run fast and break things."

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"In addition to 'loyalty' are there any OTHER qualities you think you could bring to the job?"

You're next, Mr. Kimble - right after his apple danish.

"We offer 104 vacation days...otherwise known as weekends."

"I'm looking for a 'yes man' who can say 'no' without sounding negative"

'And we have an employee wellness program. By not offering health insurance or sick pay, we encourage wellness.'

"Wow...your resume is quite impressive."

'Now, remember...let me do the talking.'