Interview Insider Gifts

'You're going to stitch me up in this interview aren't you?'

'I like the part of your resume where you didn't ask for a raise for 10 years.'

"This is an impressive resume, but do you have other experience besides 'barking a lot'?"

"He came highly recommended – then again, it was a jury recommendation."

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

Round up all the king's horses and all the king's men for questioning.

I'm a self-made man!

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'Can you do more work then is humanly possible?'

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

"I love you in a suit. You look so... employed."

'I'm looking fo someone who can make me laugh.'

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"I see by your resume this would be your first time in a symbiotic relationship."

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

Do you have any other skills?

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"I'm looking for a 'yes man' who can say 'no' without sounding negative"

"Wow...your resume is quite impressive."

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

"You say you’re currently holding down 3 jobs...very impressive."

I think you'll appreciate my resume. It's printed on a fridge magnet.

"So, you want to work at our firm, Eh?"

And I like to call this my 'dance of the enhanced PEP at alternative firms'.

'Alright, throw in your resume and the 'Get A Job' potion will be complete.'

STRIP Hambone: Computer company job interview

'Why do you want a career in the bank?'

"I believe you'll like our company. We pay our employees time and a fifth."

"It's a shame, excellent recommendations and a superb skill set but lacks the boiling hot all consuming ambition and ruthless desire for self promotion required as head of stationary procurement."

'Your CV says in your last job you were responsible for...'