Interview Insider Pillows

'You're going to stitch me up in this interview aren't you?'

'I like the part of your resume where you didn't ask for a raise for 10 years.'

"This is an impressive resume, but do you have other experience besides 'barking a lot'?"

"He came highly recommended – then again, it was a jury recommendation."

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

Round up all the king's horses and all the king's men for questioning.

I'm a self-made man!

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'Can you do more work then is humanly possible?'

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"I love you in a suit. You look so... employed."

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

"I see by your resume this would be your first time in a symbiotic relationship."

'I'm looking fo someone who can make me laugh.'

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

Do you have any other skills?

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

"I'm looking for a 'yes man' who can say 'no' without sounding negative"

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

'Now, remember...let me do the talking.'

"Wow...your resume is quite impressive."

"That's nice, but do you have any references other than your Mom?"

'Alright, throw in your resume and the 'Get A Job' potion will be complete.'

'Why do you want a career in the bank?'

"So, you want to work at our firm, Eh?"

"I believe you'll like our company. We pay our employees time and a fifth."

And I like to call this my 'dance of the enhanced PEP at alternative firms'.

'Your CV says in your last job you were responsible for...'

"It's a shame, excellent recommendations and a superb skill set but lacks the boiling hot all consuming ambition and ruthless desire for self promotion required as head of stationary procurement."