Interview Impresario Gifts

Qualifications

"I have an interview with a law firm. I hope to make an impression."

"Yes, we do accept resumes online, but there's more to it than giving me your computer with your resume on it."

'Sorry, but I have to put 'Orca': Who would hire a 'Killer Whale'?...'

"Well, Mr. Hicks, your resume looks quite impressive and of course, the fact that you can sniff out truffles is a plus!"

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'Can you do more work then is humanly possible?'

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

'I'm looking fo someone who can make me laugh.'

"I see by your resume this would be your first time in a symbiotic relationship."

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

'Your resume is impressive, but next time try to shorten it from 100 pages to one.'

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

'He's written some great slogans and some great labels, but he's never written a great coupon.'

Do you have any other skills?

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

'You lack the expertise we're looking for, Mr Wheaton - but darn it, I like your attitude.'

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

"I'm looking for a 'yes man' who can say 'no' without sounding negative"

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

"It's a shame, excellent recommendations and a superb skill set but lacks the boiling hot all consuming ambition and ruthless desire for self promotion required as head of stationary procurement."

'Why do you want a career in the bank?'

"So, you want to work at our firm, Eh?"

"That's nice, but do you have any references other than your Mom?"

And I like to call this my 'dance of the enhanced PEP at alternative firms'.

"You say you’re currently holding down 3 jobs...very impressive."

"Allow me to respond to your question with a question of my own that I can answer."

'Alright, throw in your resume and the 'Get A Job' potion will be complete.'

"I believe you'll like our company. We pay our employees time and a fifth."