Interview Aficionado Gifts

"I see you brought a stick. I'm impressed. You've done your homework."

"I see from your résumé that you enjoy attending the occasional soccer match."

'Your resume is impressive, but next time try to shorten it from 100 pages to one.'

'I see you're highly intelligent. That's fine for academia, but here in the real world we're looking for people with common sense.'

'You have an online degree from the college of hard knocks'

"...and how do you feel about being labelled the new Great British hope?"

'I was just beginning to think about my portfolio. Now you're telling me to rethink it.'

"Any references other than your mother?"

'And, Johnny, one last question, where did they ever come up with a bizarre nickname like 'Johnny Football' for you?'

'Sorry...you're not quite right for the position.'

'You'll be hearing from us! Hello?'

Graham Norton

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

'You seem qualified. Now I just need to ask you some really embarrassing questions about your private life.'

'You do realize the emphasis this company places on chins?'

"You'll notice that I was born in 1968—a very prestigious year."

You Don't Have To Be Crazy To Work Here But You Will Be After The Training.

'Tell me truthfully,these glowing references from the Dukes of York and Kent are public houses aren't they?'

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

'According to your resume, you multitask at the four person level. Here, our minimum starts at five.'

'I'm impressed by your self-confidence. What other skills do you have?'

'I forgot to ask her employment history -- I got bogged won in 'distinguishing personal characteristics.''

'All of your previous employers said you are very loyal.'

'OK, I see you've worked as a driving instructor for the past 23 years.'

'It's a difficult position to fill. Someone who's smarter than me - and smart enough to pretend not to know it.'

"I don't know whether you can tolerate working in a tropical paradise."

"Any chance Piers Morgan's available?"

"Apart from reaching level 23 in 'World of Doom' do you have any other relevant computer skills?"

"Your resume shows you may have a future in our fiction department."

"Can you tell me about a time when you saved your interviewer from making a catastrophically poor decision that tanked his career and nearly bankrupted the business?"

"My last interview seemed to take on some negative energy after I handcuffed myself to a chair and refused to leave without a job offer."

"Where do you see yourself in 10 years?"

"We don't want someone who will sleep 16 hours a day. We want someone who will work 16 hours a day."

"Have you considered applying for a job a million mils from here?"

"So Mr Rigby, tell us a little bit about myself."