Internet Shows Gifts

"There's got to be a better way to break into show business than appearing on Hot Ones."

"Lassie, go get help!" "Oh Timmy you idiot! Not again!"

"Davina McCall: Life at the Extreme takes a celebrity to the most extreme places on Earth!"

Benedict Cumberbatch

"Don't get strung out by the way I look, don't judge a book by its cover."

Academic Jeopardy ... 'What Was the Maiden Name of Dante Alighieri's Maternal Grandmother?'

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

"I wrote this next song about my cat. It's called 'Please stop rubbing your face against my computer screen when I'm trying to watch Narcos.'"

University Soapflakes

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

Xena: Warrior Princess, TV star, professional volleyball player.

'There's nothing on.'

MacGyver's Cat: 'You see, I took your bed and two paper clips and made it my bed.'

TV-Man

"Do you know any other songs besides the theme to The Andy Griffin Show?"

'It's midnight, do you know where your brain is?'

Star Wars vs Star Trek

Applause

Astral Projection

'They're just like us, except they watch more television.'

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

TV jester.

'Look behind you. . . Just kidding.'

'Satchel, I have just had a revelation.'

Time Machine Collision

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

"And now, for your entertainment, I will drink a glass of water while Rempert, here, remains eerily silent."

"Here's something called "The Fifty Greatest Countdown Shows Ever!""

"I know! Two years without anymore Game Of Thrones?"

'Come quick: Rin Tin Tin is on TV again...'

Adam and Eve on a Talk Show

'Don't let him pick the wine. He thinks Dom Perignon was someone who got knocked off on the Sopranos.'

I understand that our cat Magus died. I miss her a lot. But I wish my parents wouldn't tiptoe around it. House of Java.net Cybercafe. You don't have to watch Youtube clips of CSI: Miami to understand that death is a part of life. The thing I don't understand about our cat's death is, who would've killed her and left a mountain of unresolved clues that only a crack forensics team can figure out? Where were you at 8:45 p.m.? The Youtube Generation grows up fast.

The President Elect approved by 3 out of 4 talk show hosts!

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"