Internet Prophets Gifts

Where the crackpots have gone. . . Online.

'Please remember that these figures could be off as much as two dollars.'

Moses on the web

'We manufacture micro computing circuits. We're looking to hire someone who can anticipate the next small thing.'

"The new revenue stream is finally kicking in."

The new boss brought a sense of urgency.

Pie Filling Reader

Smiling businessman with rising profits

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

"Remember that optimistic, slightly crazy, throw a dart at the wall forecast? We beat it."

"Oh, I can't complain"

'This is why we can't have nice things... '

"I really don't care what yours says. My weather app says rain for 40 days and 40 nights. I think you should probably go with that, Noah."

'Now think, Harris, what did you do different on that day?'

'I think you'll find these projections somewhat exaggerated, but in a good way.'

Perhaps we could get the Saatchis to pain a pretty picture.

"Love your feng shui!"

"Oh, the crystal ball rolled off and fell right on my foot! Didn't see it coming!"

'Here's the improved margins you said you wanted to see this year, Tom.'

"Graphs are like EKGs, they show the health of a company."

The Speculators

"...and right here in Q2 is where the 'you know what' hit the fan. . ."

"These printers can be pretty self-righteous when they present their bills."

"Our accountancy firm says that there are a number of ways to interpret the figures... which one do you prefer?"

"Virtual Reality glasses. Well, I said my sermon would let them see the real difference between Heaven and Hell this morning"

'He may be the Messiah, but he's no Springsteen.'

"The short term solution is money and the long term solution more money."

'My father carried this sign before me, as did his father before him.'

"I can't decide which I'd rather do- make a twenty-billion-dollar bid of turn down a twenty-billion-dollar bid."

Before becoming the legend that he is today, Nostradamus first enjoyed a pretty good living at the tracks.

'Of course, for me, Christmas has a deeply felt religious significance! The stock exchange is my church...!

A self-filling prophecy.

'What does it profit a man to gain the whole world and lose his internet provider?'

"That's our projected sales."

'No doubt the upturn will come soon because the sheet of paper ends here!'