Internal Auditor Gifts

"Please welcome the newest member of our risk management team . . ."

"I suspect there is a leak at the very top."

'We don't have anything in common. You're a public accountant and I'm an internal auditor.'

'What I don't understand is how all three of us managed to get the figures wrong!'

'What do you want first - The bad news or the even badder news?'

'Please remember that these figures could be off as much as two dollars.'

ACME INDUSTRIES NEW PRODUCTS DIVISION, 'The best part is, it can repossess itself!'

"Although technically it's a profit and loss statement, the narrative is admittedly rather one-sided."

'Actually, accounting is an exact science.'

"I'm curious about your dependent children, Scamp, Flop, and Spunky."

'Taxes are going up, but that's no excuse to earn less, Mr. Syms.'

"Brilliant report, I can't tell where the facts and the fiction begins"

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

In and Out Tray

'Plimbco Bank &Trust, Old Money Division.'

'You have to reconcile your gross habits with your net income.'

'Not bad, Ms. Newborn. But take another crack at it, and this time remember that 'earnings-per-share' is the alter upon which all other numbers are sacrificed.'

"Why yes, there was an extra five thousand dollars in my pay check last week...er...I thought it was a raise."

"Just remember if we don't enjoy it we can claim it as a tax-deductible business meeting..."

Businessman sees door sign 'Department of Mismanagement and Overbudget'.

Is this your idea of a joke, Findlay...?

Stock market investment advice

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

The transparent safe box of Panama

"Might you explain to me how your division managed to spend twenty-six thousand dollars on tennis balls?"

'I think I must be ambidextrous. I can calculate interest with both sides of my brain.'

Money laundering - shows money flowing out of US vault.

"Next time be more careful where you put the decimal point!"

Department of efficiency and cost analysis.

Bernard Madhoff $50-billion Ponzi financial scheme.

"Six out of ten statisticians prefer to be in the majority."

'Here, we started to be investigated...'

New York Corruption - Auditor Watson's Death, and Suspicions on Broadway Works Project

'The question is - to what level of data do we wish to stoop.'