Company Auditor Gifts

Corporate thinking.

'What I don't understand is how all three of us managed to get the figures wrong!'

'What do you want first - The bad news or the even badder news?'

'Please remember that these figures could be off as much as two dollars.'

ACME INDUSTRIES NEW PRODUCTS DIVISION, 'The best part is, it can repossess itself!'

"Although technically it's a profit and loss statement, the narrative is admittedly rather one-sided."

'Actually, accounting is an exact science.'

'Taxes are going up, but that's no excuse to earn less, Mr. Syms.'

"I'm curious about your dependent children, Scamp, Flop, and Spunky."

"Brilliant report, I can't tell where the facts and the fiction begins"

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

'Plimbco Bank &Trust, Old Money Division.'

In and Out Tray

'Not bad, Ms. Newborn. But take another crack at it, and this time remember that 'earnings-per-share' is the alter upon which all other numbers are sacrificed.'

'You have to reconcile your gross habits with your net income.'

Is this your idea of a joke, Findlay...?

Businessman sees door sign 'Department of Mismanagement and Overbudget'.

"Just remember if we don't enjoy it we can claim it as a tax-deductible business meeting..."

"Why yes, there was an extra five thousand dollars in my pay check last week...er...I thought it was a raise."

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

Stock market investment advice

'I think I must be ambidextrous. I can calculate interest with both sides of my brain.'

"Might you explain to me how your division managed to spend twenty-six thousand dollars on tennis balls?"

The transparent safe box of Panama

Money laundering - shows money flowing out of US vault.

"Next time be more careful where you put the decimal point!"

Department of efficiency and cost analysis.

Bernard Madhoff $50-billion Ponzi financial scheme.

"Six out of ten statisticians prefer to be in the majority."

'Here, we started to be investigated...'

New York Corruption - Auditor Watson's Death, and Suspicions on Broadway Works Project

'The question is - to what level of data do we wish to stoop.'

Frank and Ernest Celestial Accountants. How's the audit of the Bankrupt Universe, Inc. going, Ernie? At first I thought it was a personnel problem -- Halley's Comet shows up once every seventy-six years, the supernovas are a bunch of burnouts and of course planet Mercury only works eighty-eight days a year. But the real problem isn't personnel, it's corporate strategy! Strategy? What's wrong? Universe, Inc. thinks it can keep expanding and expanding forever and ever!

'Tell your boss we represent an independent watchdog committee.'