Audit Professional Gifts

Destitute businessman: 'Played by the rules.'

"This bidder has the same name as you, and your face as their logo and you scored them top marks throughout this tender evaluation. Did you understand the conflict of interest declaration you signed?!"

'What I don't understand is how all three of us managed to get the figures wrong!'

'What do you want first - The bad news or the even badder news?'

'Please remember that these figures could be off as much as two dollars.'

"Although technically it's a profit and loss statement, the narrative is admittedly rather one-sided."

ACME INDUSTRIES NEW PRODUCTS DIVISION, 'The best part is, it can repossess itself!'

'Actually, accounting is an exact science.'

'Taxes are going up, but that's no excuse to earn less, Mr. Syms.'

"I'm curious about your dependent children, Scamp, Flop, and Spunky."

"Brilliant report, I can't tell where the facts and the fiction begins"

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

In and Out Tray

'Plimbco Bank &Trust, Old Money Division.'

'Not bad, Ms. Newborn. But take another crack at it, and this time remember that 'earnings-per-share' is the alter upon which all other numbers are sacrificed.'

'You have to reconcile your gross habits with your net income.'

Is this your idea of a joke, Findlay...?

"Why yes, there was an extra five thousand dollars in my pay check last week...er...I thought it was a raise."

"Just remember if we don't enjoy it we can claim it as a tax-deductible business meeting..."

Businessman sees door sign 'Department of Mismanagement and Overbudget'.

Stock market investment advice

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

'I think I must be ambidextrous. I can calculate interest with both sides of my brain.'

The transparent safe box of Panama

"Might you explain to me how your division managed to spend twenty-six thousand dollars on tennis balls?"

Money laundering - shows money flowing out of US vault.

"Next time be more careful where you put the decimal point!"

Department of efficiency and cost analysis.

Bernard Madhoff $50-billion Ponzi financial scheme.

"Six out of ten statisticians prefer to be in the majority."

'The question is - to what level of data do we wish to stoop.'

New York Corruption - Auditor Watson's Death, and Suspicions on Broadway Works Project

'Here, we started to be investigated...'

'Tell your boss we represent an independent watchdog committee.'